Navigating the Now: Where I Stand on My Transition Journey
Let’s bring things back to the present. A few months ago, I began the daunting process of figuring out how to transition. It’s been tough because transitioning requires a clear vision of what you want—or at least some certainty. Unfortunately, I’m not there yet. I’m still grappling with doubt, questioning if this is really the path I want to take. But I guess that’s part of the journey, right? For now, my plan is to start with voice training and see how I feel about that before moving on to hormone therapy (HRT). Then again, who knows? I might end up diving into both at the same time, not out of certainty, but because I’ve had some reassuring moments that give me hope. So, in the next week or so, I might take that leap—whether it’s voice training, HRT, or both.
On the brighter side, I’ve made some major strides in the right direction by connecting with a trans organization here in Germany. This has been a huge help because, honestly, I had no clue about some of the steps I could take to make this process smoother. Transitioning and getting all the necessary permits can take forever, but with their support, things are moving along much quicker than I expected.
Now, let’s talk about something that really lifted my spirits—some reassurance I desperately needed. A few weeks ago, I celebrated my birthday, and my best friend, the same one I came out to, gave me the most thoughtful gift: a skirt and thigh-high socks. I knew this gift was coming, but that didn’t stop the wave of nerves that hit me when he actually handed it to me. This was the first piece of female clothing I had ever owned, and I was equal parts excited and terrified.
After my other friend, who doesn’t know about me, left, I finally got the chance to try everything on. Putting on the skirt wasn’t the hard part—it was showing it to my friend. It wasn’t that it looked bad or anything; I just wasn’t used to seeing myself this way. But after a little while, I started to get comfortable in it. And then it hit me—I absolutely loved it. That skirt was the best birthday present I’ve ever received. In that moment, the gender dysphoria that usually lingers in the background disappeared entirely. It was a powerful reassurance that, yes, I really am trans, even if doubts creep in from time to time.
Lately, I’ve also been toying with the idea of trying out cosmetics—just a thought, but it’s something I’m curious about. I’m not quite sure when or how I’ll dive into that, but it’s on my mind as part of exploring who I am.
Speaking of gender dysphoria, that’s been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. Sadly, it’s been getting worse, not because of the skirt or anything like that, but just in general. It’s the usual stuff—feeling uncomfortable with how I look, struggling with my voice—but lately, it’s been more intense. Sometimes, just looking in the mirror feels like a challenge, and hearing my own voice is a daily reminder of the disconnect I feel. One of the most frustrating parts is not being able to go swimming. It’s been so hot lately, and all I want to do is cool off, but dysphoria has other plans and keeps telling me, “No.”
So, here I am, hoping that in the next few weeks, I can finally kick off voice training, and maybe even start HRT. I’m ready to take that next step, explore more of what makes me feel like me, and see where it all leads.
